Month: December 2015

Video

Interests…WTF are those?

My newborn son had just turned 11 weeks old, and I realized I hadn’t even touched his baby book to start recording all the details of the first few months of his life. The last 11 weeks had flown by, and in my sleep deprived state of barely knowing what day it was anymore, I figured I better get to writing or else the memories of the past few months were about to escape me any minute now!

I took to the baby book – and the first two pages were all about Mom and Dad. Easy enough I thought! Mom’s full name –easy, Mom’s age–yup I got that one, Mom’s birthplace—killing it, school’s I attended—I’m sure this will impress him, ANNNDDDD, Mom’s Interests…….??? Ok, totally freezing up here, completely drawing a blank. I’m sure I have interests, I just can’t think of any right now.  So in an effort to be productive, I moved on to Dad’s page. When I got to the part about Dad’s interests, my husband was close by, and he began to rattle off a boatload of interests and hobbies…poker, basketball, cooking, superheroes, I mean the list just flowed like a beautiful song full of hobbies and fun! One which he didn’t need to even think about the lyrics, it just came to him in that instant. So of course, I went right back to my page. Ok….focus….what are my interests?? BLANK – total blank. I’m fun I thought, I have interests, I can’t think of any right now in particular, but I’m sure I have interests! Sales, there you go- sales. Well it turns out that’s not an interest, that’s my job. Everything I thought of was my job actually; being a mom has been my #1 job for the last six and a half years when my first son was born. And apparently along with his birth came the death of my individuality as an interesting human being with actual interests and hobbies! So with that sad conclusion, baby book time came to a screeching halt.

It wasn’t until a few days later, that I saw this video and it was a little inspiring, a little beautiful, and a little bit of a relief. When I became a Mom six years ago, I put my son first in every sense of the word. He was my whole life. And then I got divorced, and I had sort of tunnel vision and it was more about survival at that time then enjoyment. And then I got re-married, and became a wife again, and now a mother to another little boy. And somewhere in between that bittersweet rollercoaster, I think it would be easy for anyone to lose sight of the things we do purely for fun and enjoyment.  So, that page in my sons baby book may have to be left alone for awhile –  maybe until I’m getting some sleep at night, or maybe when I can think about anything but when the last time I was able to get a shower was. But I think as mothers and wives, we can all take a little something with us from this video and take comfort in knowing that we truly are the glue that holds our families together. And if you’re anything like me, and your interests escape you at some point, just know that you aren’t the only one and that every day is another chance to find something that fulfills you as an individual. Enjoy!

How the death of a queen can crumble a kingdom.

Growing up I identified as being part of an extremely close, extremely large family. My mom is one of 7 children, all whom had been married, some several times, many having children and extended families of their own. My grandfather died young, in his 50’s leaving my grandmother to ultimately become the matriarch of our giant brood. A matriarch by its purest definition is a woman who rules or dominates a family or group…by today’s definition we might refer to her as the HBIC! But in either scenario, my grandmother wore this hat proudly, she wore it strongly, and she wore it for a long time. All the way up until 3 years ago, when she had been diagnosed with cancer, in an aggressive stage; that took her away from us much sooner than I think anyone expected.

waiting for sitti

July 13 2012 at Jersey Shore University Medical Center. Some of us waiting patiently for our Sitti (Grandma) to be out of surgery.

The grieving process is an interesting one. Everyone handles it in their own way, in their own time. Certain bonds of grief form, while other bonds that had previously existed start to dissipate over time. People become angry, they confuse anger at the situation as anger toward one another, eventually causing rifts and wedges that could take years to mend, if ever they do at all. Being in the middle of a large family, it becomes easy to distinguish the different roles people begin to play. Some play to their strengths by handling money and matters of the estate, others take on the emotional aspects of the situation. Some find solace in being as close to the situation as possible, while others run, as far as they can from having to deal with the loss and everything surrounding it. Sadly, as people start to find and identify with their roles, there becomes a great divide between the “doers”, the “feelers”, and the “runners.”  The doers feel like they did everything, naturally. They took control, made everything right and moved the situation from an open ended matter to a closed one. The feelers of course assume they were the ones closest to the situation, the most affected, the ones that loved most, and lost most. The runners, well, no one really knows what their doing, but one thing we know for a fact is, they’ll never admit to running away – many won’t even realize that’s what their doing. And in the end, when all is said and done, the kingdom is stretched and strained. A family, a group, a community that was once too close to see distance between them, now stands with miles between them and remnants of scar tissue and hurt muddying up the middle.

A sad disservice to the matriarch I would say. The one woman who was such a pillar of strength for so many, and who dedicated her life to keeping everyone close and in harmony with one another. But when her presence was no longer felt, it became like an avalanche in my family with everything that was hinging upon one another tumbling down in a sea of blame and resentment.  Like a volcano of issues that had been brewing for some time, finally bubbling over with nothing and no one to pacify them.

And now, a few years later, the dust has settled, and you look around and realize that the runners never came back, the doers never stopped patting themselves on the back for a job well done, and the feelers never stopped feeling that they were the only ones coping with such a huge loss.
And so the disconnect grows larger, and now without the matriarch to keep the family unit as one, the kingdom remains broken. A kingdom without a leader is one that’s doomed for failure. What was once a community united under the guidance of one woman, is now sort of running a muck with nothing and no one to bring it back to its roots.  I suppose the only chance a family can have is to rebuild from the ground up. It’ll never be what it once was, because the foundation of what once was has crumbled into pieces and the creator of that foundation isn’t there to re-create it all over again. New Years are chances for new beginnings and fresh starts; to leave the past in the past and build anew.  For my family, and for many others families having gone through something similar, there is hope for peace and a fresh start just around the corner. My wish for my own family and for all those reading this: May your kingdom rebuild itself and prosper in the New Year and may you find new life and new purpose to begin again.

Cheers to 2016!

9 ways to keep your older child and newborn happy and entertained at the same time!

So here we were, the first real day of my sons holiday break from school, and with a newborn baby at home and about 3 hours of sleep under my belt, I knew it was going to be an interesting day! Here are a few things I found through some trial and error to be the most effective for having a successful Mommy day with both my baby boy and my six year old son. Hopefully you might find some of these things helpful – and if you already knew most of them – kudos to you for beating me to the punch! I’m new at this “Mom of Two” game =))

1.) Play Restaurant!
Allow your older child to make you lunch, and maybe make themselves lunch while their at it. Nothing too fancy – a simple PB&J will do! But if you make it fun for them, allow them to be the chef and the waiter while you sit at the kitchen table enjoying their creations, they’ll be entertained and occupied while your able to knock some things off your “to-do” list while even getting to eat something…a win win, I think!

2.) A little mood music anyone??
If your baby is anything like mine, then he/she likes music and can usually be kept fairly content with some tunes playing. And if your school aged child is anything like mine, then he/she probably likes to be in control! Give your older child the ability to put on a concert or be the DJ for the day and let them create a little soundtrack to your day while keeping you and your littlest one entertained and calm.

3.) VACUUM!
Sounds random – but does the monotonous sound of the vacuum make you want to snuggle up and drift off to sleep?? Well then it may work for your kids! Today I put the baby in the swing, told my oldest to pretend like the floor was hot lava and make a snugly spot for himself on the couch and before I could vacuum even half the room, the both of them were in la-la land, and I was halfway to having a carpet I was no longer ashamed of…hahaaa…not a bad deal!

4.) Walk it out….
This doesn’t work of course for bad weather or super chilly days…but a good walk outside can do everyone some good. And so long as it’s safe to do so, my oldest likes the job of pushing the stroller, and it gives me some time to just enjoy them both in the nice fresh air.

5.) Movie Snuggles!
It doesn’t matter what age you are, a good movie and a good snuggle never gets old. And no one is better at snuggling than a newborn babe! So let your oldest pick the movie, grab a good snack and snuggle up on the couch for some family time and relaxation.

6.) Bath Time
One of the things my baby loves is bath time. And since he is so happy and behaved, I’m able to allow my oldest to help out with the bath. Its a great bonding experience for them, and you get a squeaky clean baby in the end. A great way to include them both in something thats both fun and productive.

7.) Story-time
My son is at the age where he is just learning to read independently. And my baby is still little enough where the sound of a voice is really soothing and comforting no matter what the context. Create a story-time to read to both or have the oldest read to you and the baby. Its great for both brains, and a good way to pass some time quietly.

8.) I spy!
So if your like me, you probably feel like you spend half your day in the rocking chair with the baby, and you feel sad when your older children actually ask you if you’ve moved at all today! But the great thing about the “I Spy” game is you can be feeding your baby and playing it with your older ones at the same time. For anyone who doesn’t know the game…you take turns “spying” different objects in the room, only identifying them usually by their color, and then have the other person try and guess. Keeps the little ones busy for awhile, and you can be stationary for awhile and feel no guilt!

9.) Reward the Quiet!
Last, but certainly not least…its taken awhile for my oldest to finally catch on to the fact that if he’s quiet and lets the baby take a nap, Mom will have more time to play with him independently and without burping, feeding or changing his brother! So, don’t hesitate to use that to your advantage and challenge the older children to play as quietly as possibly while your getting baby to nap, and then reward them with some great one on one play time during the nap!

The Court Holiday Schedule – Not For the Faint of Heart

My ex husband and I got divorced when our son was only 2 years old. I always shared the holidays with him even before we had a schedule in place that forced me to do so. I remember when we were first hashing out the terms of our split and his visitation with our son, I had gone to see a lawyer to help me review and mediate the whole thing with some modicum of intelligence and awareness of my own rights. The topic of the holidays came up and she told me that the court system is very quick to put the holiday schedule in place when the parties can’t reach an agreement. She proceeded to show me this schedule and I was immediately appalled at the ridiculousness of the entire set up. As I glanced down the paper, my eyes jolted back and forth between mother’s year and father’s year and all these special days and memory making occasions being hacked apart bit by bit and hour by hour so nonsensically that my head was spinning. I know everyone always says that the father’s rights are never protected or are second rate in these situations, but I have to say, in my own personal experience, this couldn’t be further from the truth. I went on to tell the attorney that Christmas Eve seemed like one of those exceptions to the rule, like – no one could possibly expect the child to sleep outside their home on Christmas Eve and wake up Christmas morning and not walk down their own staircase to their own living room to see Santa had visited them under their own tree. My attorney went on to tell me that although the Christmas holiday is broken out that way on the schedule, most fathers understand that a child should be home on Christmas morning and don’t really push the issue too much. Well as it turns out – my ex is that apparent one in a million kind of gem (insert sarcasm) that felt it so necessary to follow the holiday schedule to the letter – including the Christmas Eve breakdown in all its glory starting when my son was at the ripe age of just 5.

Sadly I know there are probably plenty of families who deal with this type of splitting of the holidays, but it appears I don’t actually know any of them! So as I pace around my son’s empty bedroom on Christmas Eve, I feel utterly alone. And the crazy thing is, that day in and day out in all of the beautiful chaos of being a Mom and handling the school lunches and parties and boo boo’s and doctor visits and homework and constant non-stop mommy-ing, its supposed to be these moments that make those moments feel so very worth it. These moments where you peak in on your babies to see them asleep peacefully dreaming of sugar plums; knowing that all of that warmth and innocence is all right down the hall from you. But that wasn’t the case for me tonight and unfortunately probably won’t be for the next 10 years to come.  Because even next year when the magical and all powerful court holiday schedule shows some favor on me and I’m blessed with having Christmas Eve and morning again with my baby, I’ll have to say goodbye again far too soon for we will still be under the thumb of this ridiculous doctrine of cruelty from which there seems to be no escape. And who does it really serve, or is it just punishment for everyone involved? What person or group of people came up with this utterly asinine way to shuffle a poor child from a broken home around so much that their poor little head will surely spin and think for any bit of certainty or purpose that you have just helped to make their situation better or more bearable! Who is it really for??

And alas, more sadly, in my situation atleast, the diligence to stick to the schedule with such rigid regime is done sadly more out of spite and in an effort to “get what’s owed to him” than it is in the desire to want this quality time or these memories.

As the clock winds down on this night, I ban myself from Facebook and from all the photos of complete families with their kids celebrating this joyous night at church or at home or under the tree in a way that makes the world feel that it is just right and perfect and as it should be. I lie in bed and reflect on the times growing up that I always wanted to be an attorney. Gone are the days where I felt that the justice system was exactly that — JUST, and that it would always show favor on the well-meaning person, the honest person, the good person, the hardworking person and ultimately the deserving person. But this had never been the case in my situation. In all my interactions with the court system thus far, they seemed to turn a blind eye to the drug addict, the compulsive liar, the empty promise maker and the rule breaker. There seemed to be so little consequence, and such a tangled web to weed through in order to get any relief from my hands being tied to such crappy, short sighted, unfair puppet strings that govern my child’s life right now. I wish I could end this with a solution but perhaps the best I could hope is that the comfort this can bring to anyone who reads it is to know, you aren’t the only one with a Christmas Eve that looks like mine. Keep fighting for your babies, and making memories with the time we are given. And the reminder that always brings me solace is that it isn’t about how much time we have with our kids that will ultimately matter to them, but it will be the quality of that time that will influence how they view their childhood and your relationship with them in the years to come. Merry Christmas and a final countdown of T-13 hours until my holiday truly begins.