Divorce is scary. Having kids is scary. Getting divorced when you have kids is the type of fear that can be paralyzing. When I was getting divorced, I had an 18-month-old baby and not a single person in my circle that could relate to what I was going through. I felt alone and afraid. There is a world of things to consider before deciding if splitting up is the best move …
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Author: Crystal
“Meternity” Leave is Insulting to …EVERYONE.
My husband texted me this morning and said “check out this horseshit!” Naturally that sparked my interest, so I clicked on the link in his text. I was expecting to see something like the New York Knicks had changed their uniforms and go right back to what I was doing, but surprisingly his introduction did not disappoint, and I found myself reading some ridiculous rhetoric about how a 38 year old woman was “jealous” of the “perks” of maternity leave, and thought she should be entitled to them even though she doesn’t have children. The “perks of maternity leave”…… hmmmm. I recently just returned back to work from maternity leave with my newborn son, and I have to say, I’m having a lot of trouble recalling all the “perks” the author is referring to. My maternity leave experience with my second son, much like with my first was a far cry from the reflective, peaceful and relaxing time period that the author makes it out to be. It’s almost as if she has no clue what maternity leave is like because she never had one (insert HUGE eye roll here).
So for Meghann Foye who desperately wants to experience all that maternity leave has to offer, so much so that she wrote a whole book about it, here’s a little sneak peak into what it’s like for all of those lucky gals who get to clock out for that glorious leave period that you’ve been chomping at the bit to be a part of.
First, the “new you” that has gained an average of 30 pounds carrying and sustaining another human being inside of her body for 9 months has to decide if she can make it another day at her job so that she can try and save up as many days as she can for when the baby actually comes. If the majority of women are anything like myself, they may have had only a few days of being home and not working before their babies were ready to be born. Barely enough time to prepare for their children’s arrivals so they can spend as many days home with them as possible post partum. When the baby actually comes, in some cases requiring a major surgery for that to happen you are released from your relaxing (and expensive) stay at the hospital, to be thrust into newborn parenthood in all of its sleepless glory. Most new mothers spend weeks on end bleeding and leaking from every orifice of their bodies. The pillars of our luxurious vacation consist of not remembering when the last time we showered was, wearing the same puke stained clothes for days at a time, crying uncontrollably and being at the beck and call of our newborn babies to eat every two hours, which then means not sleeping for more than an hour and a half at a time. And those are just the physical perks – I haven’t even told you about the mental ones.
Carrying a life inside of you, and giving birth to a baby, whom you are now expected to care for 24/7 does not come without its share of emotional and hormonal upsets. Every 1 out of 7 mothers in the US experience some form of postpartum depression, and 50% of all new moms go through a period of the baby blues. Do you know what that means? That means that the vast majority of women that you ignorantly assumed were riding the gravy train to some “free time off” from their companies are actually spending that time depressed, sad, confused, scared, anxious, and without a doubt, completely overwhelmed! Did it ever occur to you that all of these women you referenced that returned from their maternity leave with a new outlook on life, or ready to enter into a new career venture or none at all, were not experiencing a self reflective spiritual awakening when they were being vomited on for the ninth time that day, but rather that their refreshed outlook on life came from looking at the world through a new lens as a mother with a renewed sense of responsibility and list of priorities? Women are faced with incredibly difficult and life altering decisions when they enter into motherhood, and one would hope that during the 6, 8 or 12 weeks we are granted away from work that we would be gifted with this abundance of free time or “me-time” to self reflect and make big, bold and brave steps and promises to our future selves. But the reality is, the only time that most of us new moms even get a minute to think is when we are locked in the bathroom or granted the gift of a shower and even then we debate using that free minute to shut our brain off briefly and just enjoy the silence of no one depending on us in that very moment. And when we are forced to make the choices about where we will go after having spent an inexcusably short amount of time bonding with our babies at home, some women opt to take on different career paths or ventures because they cant fathom returning back to the job they held before becoming a mother, even if they loved it, because it no longer serves the needs of their growing family. Life altering decisions that start with who will watch my baby when I can’t do it anymore, and do I make enough money to justify the expense of a full time care provider for my baby, or how can I return to work when I still feel like an alien in my own skin, and should I choose to return back to work will I be surrounded by a bunch of ignorant people that don’t recognize that it pains me deeply to have to ask to leave early to be with my sick child more than they could even imagine? This is an experience that doesn’t just happen when you shut off your smart phone for a few weeks; this is a process that comes from having people who are depending on you to make choices that are in their best interest and no longer just your own. For most women the entire leave period is spent recovering, both physically and emotionally. By the time they actually start to feel a little bit like themselves again, they are thrown back into the workforce and away from their babies whom they have now grown so attached to that they feel an overwhelming sense of guilt just being away from them – a guilt that they will inevitably feel the effects of for another 18 years.
Remind me again what perks you were being begrudged of?
Allow me to also take this time to not only comment on your grossly ignorant and irresponsible outlook on maternity leave but also to thank you for setting women back hundreds of years by your diminishing statements about our role in the workforce. Women experience “burnout syndrome” at a greater rate than men and feel more overwhelmed by the roles they play at home and at work. As a working woman in a field dominated by men, I’m offended by your insinuation that for no apparent reason at all, but my genetic make up, I am more likely to become overwhelmed, need a break, and get burnt out by the everyday tasks in my profession. Need I remind you that as a gender we have been fighting tooth and nail for equal pay, equal opportunities and to be seen in the same competent light as our male counterparts. Your comments are completely baseless, and do nothing but act to excuse yourself from your own incompetence. As a wife and a mother, I do believe that we can easily become overloaded by the roles we are expected to play at home and at work. However, that being said, I don’t believe in someone like yourself exploiting the struggle of the working mother for your own personal gain, and to make some self serving case about how you wish you had more free time to drink margaritas with your friends, or what you would refer to as a “mandated time and space for self reflection.”
If you’re still in the dark as to why “I need to pick up my child” seems to be deemed as more important in the corporate world than you saying “I need to go cheer up my friend whose stint with online dating isn’t going so well” – it’s because, it IS more important; grossly, undoubtedly, inarguably more important. Working parents, men and women, are forced to jostle hectic schedules, overlapping calendars, lists of activities, events, demands, illnesses, play dates, soccer games, school concerts and teacher conferences all with the hope that when they put their head on their pillow at night they can feel like they managed for one more day to be a great parent and an equally great employee all at the same time. And most often, a working parent never feels that way. They always feel that something suffers or gets sacrificed in the name of trying to have it all in a country and a society that makes it seem like it’s easy and yet makes it nearly impossible to actually accomplish.
If you want to try taking a stand for something that actually matters, you should use your voice for something other than trying to validate to the world why you just decided to quit your job because you felt you needed a break and actually lobby for better maternity leave programs for our new mothers and better postpartum care for parents and new families that truly need it. A “meternity leave” is nothing more than quitting your job with a more kitschy title – that’s all. And I’m sure parents and non-parents alike would all love to quit our jobs for a year and a half and spend it self reflecting and pursuing our passions, who wouldn’t? So if you thought you had happened on some unique and uncharted water when discovering the possibilities of your meternity, I’m sorry to report that for years upon years people have in fact quit their jobs. Those of us with children, however, don’t often have that option because much like the self advocating you were referring to in your post, a big part of putting our family’s first means working hard to provide for them.
CM-D
6 Ways You and Your Newborn are Basically the Same Person!
1.) You’re both balding: Surprise!! That voluptuous pregnancy hair has to leave you now. So if your finding clumps of hair in the shower, don’t panic. It’s just your body’s way of becoming “normal” again – for whatever that means! But don’t feel bad, the new love of your life is experiencing the same rapid hair loss as you are, so you guys can have receding hair lines together, it’ll be great 😉
2.) You’re both learning: Whether this is your first time to the “mom rodeo” or you’re a veteran, the first few months of a newborns’ life are such a learning experience for the both of you. You’re learning your parenting style, and also learning your baby. And your newborn is learning —everything. So be patient with one another, you’ll find your groove. For now, embrace the fact that there is no cuter subject to study!
3.) You both wish you were getting more sleep: Babies sleep for the majority of their time in the womb. Your body provided the perfect sleep inducing state for them to dream peacefully for nine months. They have just come into a world with a ridiculous amount of stimulation that may make it hard for even the sleepiest babe to relax. Try to remember that your baby WANTS sleep…even if it doesn’t seem that way during your SIXTH middle of the night feeding! Get sleep wherever you can get it, and enjoy the baby snuggles when you both find that peaceful place. They won’t last forever, and they sure are glorious.
4.) You’re both getting acclimated to your “new” body: Watching your baby discover their hands or their feet is so magical. Learning more everyday about how this little body is going to carry him in the real world is an awesome thing to witness. You may not be feeling exactly as awesome about your new bod at the moment. But try to remind yourself how very awesome your body is too. You grew an entire person, I mean think about that, an entire person! You’re basically a superhero. So give yourself a break and some realistic timelines before you start even thinking about being hard on yourself. Right now, your body is a vehicle of nourishment, comfort and strength for your new baby…and there isn’t anything more beautiful or sexy than that my friends!
5.) You both cry—a lot: Feeling like you want to just cry, all the time, at any given moment, for potentially a reason, but quite possibly no reason at all?? Happy tears, sad tears, mysterious and unexplainable tears that sneak up on you out of nowhere. You and your baby are experts at the waterworks right now, and pretty much for the same reason. Your baby cries because they can’t explain what they need to you just yet, and often times you probably can’t explain why you’re crying either! It won’t last forever, for either of you! So grab a tissue and hold on —to each other preferably 🙂
6.) You’re both getting attached: Everyday with your new little one is a day closer to each other. Newborn bonding is a beautiful and incredible journey where you are your baby are creating the building blocks for a great, strong relationship with one another as Mother and child. Your baby is becoming soothed by your smile, aware of your voice and comforted by your kiss. And you – well, you’re in love, you’re in love, and you don’t care who knows it!
The 9 things every Working Mom Needs to Hear Right Now
In today’s world of higher price tags and fewer hours to spend at home, the plight of the working mother thickens. Between dwindling and insufficient maternity and postpartum leave offerings, to women feeling forced back into the workplace often times much too soon for fear of losing their job, or their family losing their income. There is more on our plates today than ever before. And what does that reality mean for the working Mom of today? In a word, exhaustion. It is exhausting working two full time jobs, neither of which you feel gets the best of you. It’s exhausting to never feel fully present in anything you’re doing because sometimes your heart is in one place and your mind is in another. It’s exhausting trying to be the rockstar to your employer and the rock for your family. Here are some reminders from one exhausted Mama to another, keeping fighting that good fight.
1. You’re just one in a very large army
I work as a consultant, so I am in the field a lot visiting clients which lends itself to me driving past a Target (or 10) within a day and occasionally popping in for an item (or 10) when I have a break. I remember the countless times that I would look enviously upon that Mom pushing the cart with her babies inside, smiling, enjoying that special time with her kids that I was super jealous of. And then I would end up saying something salty under my breath like “doesn’t anyone work anymore, am I the only one out here doing this! (flash forward to 20 minutes later when I am crying in my car, probably from, you guessed it –sheer exhaustion). And the answer is –YES, lots of women are working and raising kids too, and YES, they’re all tired, and YES, some jobs have different hours which lend themselves to being able to be with your kids at 12pm on a Tuesday at Target. But there’s a give and take to any situation. Next time you’re feeling alone and salty (like me) don’t forget about the waitress that works the most on the weekends, or the service women fighting for our country that are away from their families for months and months on end, or the teachers who get up at the crack of dawn but might get to be home a little earlier than the 5pm rush hour, they’re all part of your army.
2. It’s normal to feel like nothing gets 100% of you
Have you ever been in a meeting, trying to have it all together and you reach into your bag and pull out a random baby sock or a fistful of Cheerios? Or have you ever been at the park with your kids on a Sunday afternoon but all you could really focus on was the conference call you have on Monday? It’s hard to be everything to everyone, and even harder to turn it on and off when you need to. Embrace it and know that the fact that you care if your job or your kids are ever getting the best of you, means that they probably really are, and you’re just not giving yourself enough credit.
mother working/studying with baby
3. It’s OK to miss them
Sometimes a little distance is OK. It makes the hugs feel sweeter and last longer, and the time that you’re at home to be so incredibly special in both yours and your children’s eyes.
4. Quality over Quantity
This is so important to remember, and it applies to so many things in life including not only the relationships you have with your children, but even your friends and family members. We don’t always get to see our best friends often, but when we do, we can pick up and continue as if no time has passed. That’s because the bond there is strong, the time is special, and so the time together becomes such quality time. One precious day of smiles, enjoyment, laughter and bonding leaves more of a positive lasting impression on your children than weeks or months of busy, rushed, stressed or detached time.
5. You’ll always be – MOM
It’s so easy to feel so replaceable to everyone, including your children. But this truly is the only place in life, where it is impossible to replace you – so don’t even stress it! Grandparents, sitters, nannies and caregivers will all form special bonds with your children, and that’s a good thing for them. However, you will always be the one, the only, and the infamously exhausted, yet perfect….Mom.
6. You bear the brunt of the pain
Do you ever leave the house to go off to work for the day, or drop your kids off at daycare or at the sitters house, and feel a tug on your heartstrings as you walk away? It’s a killer, right? Well here’s some good (ish) news, you’re hurting but your kids are OK. Actually, they’re more than OK. They are happy, loved, cared for and totally resilient little creatures. And if they weren’t, then you would do something about it, because that’s what we do! So while you’re crying in your car (we’ve all done it, right? Or just me?) take a bit of solace in knowing that like so many things in our families lives, mama is taking one for the team on this one.
7. The grass isn’t always greener
My son used to go to a class at the Little Gym every Tuesday at 3pm. And every Tuesday at 3pm, I would leave my schedule open and drive down to the place and meet my Mother there (who at the time was watching my son full time), and I would spend an hour watching him take his class and have fun. It was one of my most favorite times of my week, I would look forward to it, and I’d shut down my phone and just — enjoy it. So every week without fail, I would navigate my way through the stone parking lot in high heels, race in the door while throwing my sunglasses on top of my head, shut down the phone and do my best to clear my head and just focus on him. As I would race in to find a seat, I would pass a row of moms, none of which looked like me, most of which were rocking yoga pants (which looked like heaven compared to whatever get-up I had on), with a coffee in their hand, and sometimes another kid or two in tow. Sometimes, depending on the day, I would get that feeling of envy that would sneak up on me and I would be wishing that maybe that was me. But then I would talk to one of the stay-at-home Moms that were there, whom I quickly realized was just as envious of me that I got to shower that day, or do my hair, or talk to adults! It’s always easy to see the good side of what you don’t have, but when you’re out everyday grinding, just remember, someone else is wishing they had a little piece of whatever you’re doing too.
8. They’ll be proud of you
There are a lot of ways to set a good example for our children. And often times the things that make the largest impact on them are the things we don’t set out to necessarily teach them, but those things they witness by watching and observing. I became a single Mom when my son was just 18 months old, and I had no choice but to work, and to work hard! And the thing that I always reminded myself was that I wanted my son to be proud of me. I wanted him to see his mother as someone who could balance it all, who had goals, and whose strength and determination supported him in every way. Be proud of what you’re doing and your kids will be proud of you too (and maybe even follow your lead)!
9. You are amazing
That’s it – plain and simple. You may never feel like you’re getting it right, and there are days when you may question if you have it together and are doing the right thing. But the bottom line is – that’s just parenthood. You are amazing. So keep juggling, keep pushing, keep hustling and keep your head up working mama!
10 gifts and products that are saving my life as a new mom!
First, allow me to preface by stating the probably very obvious: I am not getting paid by anyone for this, LOL. This is simply a log of my own personal findings as a new Mom again and some tips I thought may be helpful for anyone who is becoming a new mom, or becoming a Mom again, or shopping for a shower gift, or maybe setting up a baby registry. Hope you find it helpful and feel free to comment below and add in your own personal “mom favorites” to keep the list going and let anyone who is reading know what your own personal lifesavers are!
1. Stroller attachment
We Chose: Skip Hop Grab and Go Stroller Organizer
I spent a long time trying to find the perfect stroller when I was pregnant with my second son. I ended up hating the stroller I had with my first baby. The wheels always locked up, it was cumbersome and clunky to maneuver, and so this time around, I did a ton of research. I ended up landing on a stroller I love, the Chicco Bravo Keyfit Travel System.
However, the one drawback with this stroller, as with many of the most popular ones on the market now, is that there is no room for all the “stuff” you’ll want to take on walks with you. The first few times I was attempting a walk with my newborn, I found myself stuffing my pockets or taking Ziploc bags of things with me just to go for a walk around the block.
The skip hop stroller attachment works with any stroller, and gives you space to bring some essentials with you for the trip around the block! Great space for drinks, a pacifier, your cell phone, and even the portable sound spa should you need it (see item #3 below)!
2. Gerber Soothe Colic Drops
Buy here: Gerber Soothe Colic Drops
Six years ago when I was helping my first son through a very ugly bout of colic, I wish I had known about these drops. Gerber Soothe Colic Drops are probiotic drops that you can give to your baby once a day that build the good bacteria in a baby’s gut.
The probiotic L. reuteri aids in their digestion and has been proven to significantly decrease crying spells and fussiness in newborns. It’s always hard to tell with babies what really “works” and what just seems like its working as their bodies mature and they outgrow certain stages and behaviors. However, we didn’t know about these drops with my first son, and he was significantly fussier and we had much longer more frequent spells of crying than we did with my second son once we incorporated these into our routine.
3. Portable Sound machine
We Chose: MyBaby by Homedics Sound Spa
This is a $10 investment that has saved us a lot of tears. We bought the portable sound spa for our son…and it is exactly as it’s titled. Small enough to take with you anywhere and move around the house as needed, and gives baby a variety of soothing sounds to calm him in all situations. My son particularly likes the white noise sound, which helped us tremendously in the beginning when he hated diaper changes, and we can also take it with us in the car or on trips out of the house to have something on us to calm baby at all times!
4. Fisher Price Rock & Play
Buy Here: Fisher Price Rock & Play
I made the mistake twice now of buying a beautiful bassinet for my sons to sleep in when they were first born. And both times it was a huge mistake and they wanted no part of it. We are still struggling with acid reflux with our newborn son, and just a few days in from being home from the hospital, we realized that lying flat on his back just wasn’t going to work.
So I took to Amazon.com (see #7 on this list) and ordered the Fisher Price Rock & Play, based strictly on some awesome parent reviews. And it has been a dream! He sleeps right next to our bed in it, its comfortable, keeps him upright to avoid spitting up at night, and was a fraction of the cost of the bassinet we bought!
5. Weeblock (this one’s for the boys only!)
This one is strictly for the “boy-moms”! I got this as a shower gift, and everyone got a nice laugh, but I figured that its usefulness might end there. But I was wrong! It’s washable, comes in really cute styles like a football or a baseball and is perfectly shaped to keep your little one from giving you a nice surprise every time the diaper comes off and they get a chill! FYI (and probably TMI) I have only gotten peed on twice since my son has been born, and both times were when I decided not to use this nifty little invention!
6. Burt’s Bees – Cream to Powder
Buy Here: Burt’s Bees – Cream to Powder
This was a random one that I got as a free sample, but I just absolutely love. I use it at diaper changes for my son, and it’s awesome because it goes on like a cream but has a powder-like finish so his tush isn’t sticky at all. I love it, and not to mention the great natural ingredients in it.
7. Amazon Prime
Buy Here: Amazon Prime
One thing I learned the hard way with both my children is DON’T OVER-BUY! A lot of times in an effort to feel prepared we stock our nursery with boatloads of diapers, a million pacifiers, and a wardrobe bigger than ours. But most likely, it won’t be until your baby comes that you actually find out what works for you both. When it comes to pacifiers – find out what kind your baby takes first and then order a bunch more of those same kind. The same thing with diapers – not all diapers are created equal, and some are better for your babies’ booty than others.
Get comfortable with what you like, and then stock up! And remember, don’t over buy in one size, because pretty soon, they’ll be moving up the ladder to the next size and then your stuck with a bunch of small diapers that you’ll never use. I personally gave birth to two boys that were well over 8 lbs. each and they NEVER fit into anything that was sized newborn. They basically moved right into 3 months and I was left with a lot of great clothes that they never fit into. Amazon Prime has absolutely saved me this time around.
When it came to ordering more diapers of the kind I wanted, to more of the right kind of pacifier, to quickly moving from breastfeeding to bottle feeding and having to order all of the bottle feeding essentials, it was a quick couple clicks and my stuff was at my door in 2 days. More importantly, I never had to try and leave the house to take my baby to the store, because we all know that’s not always the easiest!
8. Cool Mist Humidifier
We Chose: PureGuardian H1010 14-Hour Ultrasonic Cool Mist Humidifier
Chances are when you come home from the hospital, you will probably keep your house a little warmer than usual for the baby. Invest in a great cool mist humidifier to keep the air from getting too dry. It’s great for baby, and great for you too!
9. A Comfortable Glider
I don’t think anyone ever realizes just how much time we spend rocking our babies in our glider chairs. There were days where my husband would leave for work and I would be in the rocking chair, and he would come back and I would be in the same spot, and we would both question for a second if I had even moved! Ditch the aesthetics, and find one that is super comfortable for you! It will be your saving grace when it comes to sleep, nursing, and all things baby!
10. Your own special “Mom Mantra”
Buy Here: Keep Calm Nothing Last Forever Print
A sign on the refrigerator (or better yet, somewhere that you’ll probably frequent more often, like the changing table) that reminds you of one of the most important things to remember as a new Mom –nothing lasts forever, and whatever phase your baby is going through, it will pass by so quickly that you will probably have trouble even remembering back to it years from now. One thing I started telling myself when my second son was born was that babies change so rapidly and usually in increments of just two weeks!
So I remember with my first son, he would fall into a terrible sleep schedule or really rough bouts of crying at certain times of day, but he seemed to cycle through them so quickly that although it seemed like an eternity in the moment, in 2 weeks time we were usually moving into an entirely different phase.
So cherish even the tough moments, and remind yourself that pretty soon, you’ll be moving on to the next phase in your baby’s exciting and amazing development.
Please leave a comment and add in your “mom favorites”
Cheers to you Mom!
Hey “Lazy Parent,” Why do you hate your kids?
I recently came across an article on NYPost.com and felt compelled to respond. Below is an excerpt from the article – click the title/author name to read it in full – followed by my reaction.
“What are your kids doing over break?”
It’s a popular question when parents discuss a looming vacation from school. What’s less common is my answer: Nothing.
You heard me. My kids are doing nothing.
…
Why would I do that when the TV is right there?
“I am a lazy parent and proud of it”
By Karol Markowicz, NY Post
Dear Karol,
I assume that you knew by writing this piece, that you would get some radically different perspective shoved in your face by someone that doesn’t know you at all, so consider this — that.
First let me start by saying I am not one of those parents that are against TV, or anything that has sugar or GMOs in it, or any other form of “new school” parenting that is becoming more and more the norm as we know it today. I’m pretty much just your everyday mom trying to balance work and family and hoping to harvest a good childhood for my children; one that doesn’t land them on the couch in some therapist’s office 20 years from now.
And much like yourself, I too chose not to send my six-year-old son to some winter break mini-camp, but not because the thought of making a lunch or waking up early turned me off to it, it was because if I sent him to camp, I wouldn’t get to spend the time with him; time that is really precious to me and that in my eyes, I get far too little of.
I’m a mother of two boys, one that is six years old and one that is just turning three months old. Talk about tired, I’m pretty sure I could fall asleep at any given moment with my eyes fully open in the upright position and no one would be the wiser. Heck, I might be asleep right now and I don’t even know it. Who even knows what sleep is anymore, really? It’s just this sort of foreign thing that you remember having at one point, and now it’s just something people talk about and you wish for, and you might actually get again one day but you’re not sure.
But I have to say that if I wasn’t tired and if I didn’t exhaust myself day-in and day-out in an effort to give my children a day full of fun memories or some quality time with me that hopefully they will hold on to, then I believe I might think I’m not doing it right. And it’s not just for them, it’s for me too. I don’t simply parade my kids around from play-date to play-date to soccer practice and to Chuck E. Cheese’s in some effort to have an activity-filled, exhausting weekend.
I plan things with them that will give us good family time together where we can make the memories that will ultimately shape how they remember their childhood and how they remember me for that matter. And that’s just the selfish reasons on my part, but in truth, we have an obligation to teach our children about the world, to teach them the benefit of being on a team, the social skills that are rooted in said play dates that will ultimately help shape their personality, and not to mention the importance of exercise and physical activity taught to them by being involved in sports.
Parenting today, strictly in my opinion, is much harder now than it ever was. Our world is very different than it was when we were growing up. And consequently we as parents have a much harder task on our hands in raising good, safe, respectful, well-adjusted, healthy children. For one, we HAVE TO plan play dates for our children and orchestrate time for them to be around other kids and their “friends” because it isn’t safe to just let them ride their bikes and play outside anymore without being supervised at most times. We have to be more cautious about what they eat, and where they go, and who their around, and teach them far more than was ever needed to know years ago. And in this same vain, the importance of hands-on parental role models, quality time, and teaching through interaction in the home is more vital today than ever. And as I’m sure I don’t need to remind you since its plastered all over Facebook (and you seem like the type that probably has time for that sort of thing) children grow up fast. We don’t have endless amount of years to be with our kids, to make memories with them or to teach them the things they need to be armed properly for the real world…its fast and fleeting, and will pass you in the blink of an eye if you’re not careful, or if perhaps you’re napping through it.
Being a parent is the hardest job we are given, and the most important. I’ve worked since I was 13 years old and never half-assed anything that I’ve ever done and I’m certainly not intending to start when it comes to raising my kids. Not to mention the glaringly obvious notions that I’m sure everyone might be thinking but not saying – which is that there are people who go to the ends of the earth just to have kids, and it’s not so that they can take them to the park and “tire them out” all with the goal of having “family nap time” which in my house is referred to as “NIGHT TIME” where the whole family SPLITS UP and goes their separate ways to sleep in their separate beds. Many people I know would willingly vow to sleep with a toddler foot shoved completely up their nose every night if it meant the chance at having a family, or raising children, or having their kids young enough again to do so. How about the parents that are forced to co-parent and give up their children on weekends and holidays? Where it’s painstaking for them to be without their kids and would surely give up a month’s worth of sleep entirely if they didn’t have to hand over their kids and miss opportunities to make memories with them or see their face each time they walk down the hall to their bedroom.
I don’t believe there is such a thing as the perfect parent, and I certainly don’t believe in the idea of engaging in some type of “mom-war” over who’s doing it right. But one thing I do know is that if given the most important job on the planet, I wouldn’t be so eager to tell the whole world that you’ve decided that the “lazy” way is the way you’re going to run things and you’re “proud” of it, because if it were any other job in the working world, you’d with absolute certainty and swiftness be fired.
Interests…WTF are those?
My newborn son had just turned 11 weeks old, and I realized I hadn’t even touched his baby book to start recording all the details of the first few months of his life. The last 11 weeks had flown by, and in my sleep deprived state of barely knowing what day it was anymore, I figured I better get to writing or else the memories of the past few months were about to escape me any minute now!
I took to the baby book – and the first two pages were all about Mom and Dad. Easy enough I thought! Mom’s full name –easy, Mom’s age–yup I got that one, Mom’s birthplace—killing it, school’s I attended—I’m sure this will impress him, ANNNDDDD, Mom’s Interests…….??? Ok, totally freezing up here, completely drawing a blank. I’m sure I have interests, I just can’t think of any right now. So in an effort to be productive, I moved on to Dad’s page. When I got to the part about Dad’s interests, my husband was close by, and he began to rattle off a boatload of interests and hobbies…poker, basketball, cooking, superheroes, I mean the list just flowed like a beautiful song full of hobbies and fun! One which he didn’t need to even think about the lyrics, it just came to him in that instant. So of course, I went right back to my page. Ok….focus….what are my interests?? BLANK – total blank. I’m fun I thought, I have interests, I can’t think of any right now in particular, but I’m sure I have interests! Sales, there you go- sales. Well it turns out that’s not an interest, that’s my job. Everything I thought of was my job actually; being a mom has been my #1 job for the last six and a half years when my first son was born. And apparently along with his birth came the death of my individuality as an interesting human being with actual interests and hobbies! So with that sad conclusion, baby book time came to a screeching halt.
It wasn’t until a few days later, that I saw this video and it was a little inspiring, a little beautiful, and a little bit of a relief. When I became a Mom six years ago, I put my son first in every sense of the word. He was my whole life. And then I got divorced, and I had sort of tunnel vision and it was more about survival at that time then enjoyment. And then I got re-married, and became a wife again, and now a mother to another little boy. And somewhere in between that bittersweet rollercoaster, I think it would be easy for anyone to lose sight of the things we do purely for fun and enjoyment. So, that page in my sons baby book may have to be left alone for awhile – maybe until I’m getting some sleep at night, or maybe when I can think about anything but when the last time I was able to get a shower was. But I think as mothers and wives, we can all take a little something with us from this video and take comfort in knowing that we truly are the glue that holds our families together. And if you’re anything like me, and your interests escape you at some point, just know that you aren’t the only one and that every day is another chance to find something that fulfills you as an individual. Enjoy!
How the death of a queen can crumble a kingdom.
Growing up I identified as being part of an extremely close, extremely large family. My mom is one of 7 children, all whom had been married, some several times, many having children and extended families of their own. My grandfather died young, in his 50’s leaving my grandmother to ultimately become the matriarch of our giant brood. A matriarch by its purest definition is a woman who rules or dominates a family or group…by today’s definition we might refer to her as the HBIC! But in either scenario, my grandmother wore this hat proudly, she wore it strongly, and she wore it for a long time. All the way up until 3 years ago, when she had been diagnosed with cancer, in an aggressive stage; that took her away from us much sooner than I think anyone expected.
July 13 2012 at Jersey Shore University Medical Center. Some of us waiting patiently for our Sitti (Grandma) to be out of surgery.
The grieving process is an interesting one. Everyone handles it in their own way, in their own time. Certain bonds of grief form, while other bonds that had previously existed start to dissipate over time. People become angry, they confuse anger at the situation as anger toward one another, eventually causing rifts and wedges that could take years to mend, if ever they do at all. Being in the middle of a large family, it becomes easy to distinguish the different roles people begin to play. Some play to their strengths by handling money and matters of the estate, others take on the emotional aspects of the situation. Some find solace in being as close to the situation as possible, while others run, as far as they can from having to deal with the loss and everything surrounding it. Sadly, as people start to find and identify with their roles, there becomes a great divide between the “doers”, the “feelers”, and the “runners.” The doers feel like they did everything, naturally. They took control, made everything right and moved the situation from an open ended matter to a closed one. The feelers of course assume they were the ones closest to the situation, the most affected, the ones that loved most, and lost most. The runners, well, no one really knows what their doing, but one thing we know for a fact is, they’ll never admit to running away – many won’t even realize that’s what their doing. And in the end, when all is said and done, the kingdom is stretched and strained. A family, a group, a community that was once too close to see distance between them, now stands with miles between them and remnants of scar tissue and hurt muddying up the middle.
A sad disservice to the matriarch I would say. The one woman who was such a pillar of strength for so many, and who dedicated her life to keeping everyone close and in harmony with one another. But when her presence was no longer felt, it became like an avalanche in my family with everything that was hinging upon one another tumbling down in a sea of blame and resentment. Like a volcano of issues that had been brewing for some time, finally bubbling over with nothing and no one to pacify them.
And now, a few years later, the dust has settled, and you look around and realize that the runners never came back, the doers never stopped patting themselves on the back for a job well done, and the feelers never stopped feeling that they were the only ones coping with such a huge loss.
And so the disconnect grows larger, and now without the matriarch to keep the family unit as one, the kingdom remains broken. A kingdom without a leader is one that’s doomed for failure. What was once a community united under the guidance of one woman, is now sort of running a muck with nothing and no one to bring it back to its roots. I suppose the only chance a family can have is to rebuild from the ground up. It’ll never be what it once was, because the foundation of what once was has crumbled into pieces and the creator of that foundation isn’t there to re-create it all over again. New Years are chances for new beginnings and fresh starts; to leave the past in the past and build anew. For my family, and for many others families having gone through something similar, there is hope for peace and a fresh start just around the corner. My wish for my own family and for all those reading this: May your kingdom rebuild itself and prosper in the New Year and may you find new life and new purpose to begin again.
Cheers to 2016!
9 ways to keep your older child and newborn happy and entertained at the same time!
So here we were, the first real day of my sons holiday break from school, and with a newborn baby at home and about 3 hours of sleep under my belt, I knew it was going to be an interesting day! Here are a few things I found through some trial and error to be the most effective for having a successful Mommy day with both my baby boy and my six year old son. Hopefully you might find some of these things helpful – and if you already knew most of them – kudos to you for beating me to the punch! I’m new at this “Mom of Two” game =))
1.) Play Restaurant!
Allow your older child to make you lunch, and maybe make themselves lunch while their at it. Nothing too fancy – a simple PB&J will do! But if you make it fun for them, allow them to be the chef and the waiter while you sit at the kitchen table enjoying their creations, they’ll be entertained and occupied while your able to knock some things off your “to-do” list while even getting to eat something…a win win, I think!
2.) A little mood music anyone??
If your baby is anything like mine, then he/she likes music and can usually be kept fairly content with some tunes playing. And if your school aged child is anything like mine, then he/she probably likes to be in control! Give your older child the ability to put on a concert or be the DJ for the day and let them create a little soundtrack to your day while keeping you and your littlest one entertained and calm.
3.) VACUUM!
Sounds random – but does the monotonous sound of the vacuum make you want to snuggle up and drift off to sleep?? Well then it may work for your kids! Today I put the baby in the swing, told my oldest to pretend like the floor was hot lava and make a snugly spot for himself on the couch and before I could vacuum even half the room, the both of them were in la-la land, and I was halfway to having a carpet I was no longer ashamed of…hahaaa…not a bad deal!
4.) Walk it out….
This doesn’t work of course for bad weather or super chilly days…but a good walk outside can do everyone some good. And so long as it’s safe to do so, my oldest likes the job of pushing the stroller, and it gives me some time to just enjoy them both in the nice fresh air.
5.) Movie Snuggles!
It doesn’t matter what age you are, a good movie and a good snuggle never gets old. And no one is better at snuggling than a newborn babe! So let your oldest pick the movie, grab a good snack and snuggle up on the couch for some family time and relaxation.
6.) Bath Time
One of the things my baby loves is bath time. And since he is so happy and behaved, I’m able to allow my oldest to help out with the bath. Its a great bonding experience for them, and you get a squeaky clean baby in the end. A great way to include them both in something thats both fun and productive.
7.) Story-time
My son is at the age where he is just learning to read independently. And my baby is still little enough where the sound of a voice is really soothing and comforting no matter what the context. Create a story-time to read to both or have the oldest read to you and the baby. Its great for both brains, and a good way to pass some time quietly.
8.) I spy!
So if your like me, you probably feel like you spend half your day in the rocking chair with the baby, and you feel sad when your older children actually ask you if you’ve moved at all today! But the great thing about the “I Spy” game is you can be feeding your baby and playing it with your older ones at the same time. For anyone who doesn’t know the game…you take turns “spying” different objects in the room, only identifying them usually by their color, and then have the other person try and guess. Keeps the little ones busy for awhile, and you can be stationary for awhile and feel no guilt!
9.) Reward the Quiet!
Last, but certainly not least…its taken awhile for my oldest to finally catch on to the fact that if he’s quiet and lets the baby take a nap, Mom will have more time to play with him independently and without burping, feeding or changing his brother! So, don’t hesitate to use that to your advantage and challenge the older children to play as quietly as possibly while your getting baby to nap, and then reward them with some great one on one play time during the nap!
The Court Holiday Schedule – Not For the Faint of Heart
My ex husband and I got divorced when our son was only 2 years old. I always shared the holidays with him even before we had a schedule in place that forced me to do so. I remember when we were first hashing out the terms of our split and his visitation with our son, I had gone to see a lawyer to help me review and mediate the whole thing with some modicum of intelligence and awareness of my own rights. The topic of the holidays came up and she told me that the court system is very quick to put the holiday schedule in place when the parties can’t reach an agreement. She proceeded to show me this schedule and I was immediately appalled at the ridiculousness of the entire set up. As I glanced down the paper, my eyes jolted back and forth between mother’s year and father’s year and all these special days and memory making occasions being hacked apart bit by bit and hour by hour so nonsensically that my head was spinning. I know everyone always says that the father’s rights are never protected or are second rate in these situations, but I have to say, in my own personal experience, this couldn’t be further from the truth. I went on to tell the attorney that Christmas Eve seemed like one of those exceptions to the rule, like – no one could possibly expect the child to sleep outside their home on Christmas Eve and wake up Christmas morning and not walk down their own staircase to their own living room to see Santa had visited them under their own tree. My attorney went on to tell me that although the Christmas holiday is broken out that way on the schedule, most fathers understand that a child should be home on Christmas morning and don’t really push the issue too much. Well as it turns out – my ex is that apparent one in a million kind of gem (insert sarcasm) that felt it so necessary to follow the holiday schedule to the letter – including the Christmas Eve breakdown in all its glory starting when my son was at the ripe age of just 5.
Sadly I know there are probably plenty of families who deal with this type of splitting of the holidays, but it appears I don’t actually know any of them! So as I pace around my son’s empty bedroom on Christmas Eve, I feel utterly alone. And the crazy thing is, that day in and day out in all of the beautiful chaos of being a Mom and handling the school lunches and parties and boo boo’s and doctor visits and homework and constant non-stop mommy-ing, its supposed to be these moments that make those moments feel so very worth it. These moments where you peak in on your babies to see them asleep peacefully dreaming of sugar plums; knowing that all of that warmth and innocence is all right down the hall from you. But that wasn’t the case for me tonight and unfortunately probably won’t be for the next 10 years to come. Because even next year when the magical and all powerful court holiday schedule shows some favor on me and I’m blessed with having Christmas Eve and morning again with my baby, I’ll have to say goodbye again far too soon for we will still be under the thumb of this ridiculous doctrine of cruelty from which there seems to be no escape. And who does it really serve, or is it just punishment for everyone involved? What person or group of people came up with this utterly asinine way to shuffle a poor child from a broken home around so much that their poor little head will surely spin and think for any bit of certainty or purpose that you have just helped to make their situation better or more bearable! Who is it really for??
And alas, more sadly, in my situation atleast, the diligence to stick to the schedule with such rigid regime is done sadly more out of spite and in an effort to “get what’s owed to him” than it is in the desire to want this quality time or these memories.
As the clock winds down on this night, I ban myself from Facebook and from all the photos of complete families with their kids celebrating this joyous night at church or at home or under the tree in a way that makes the world feel that it is just right and perfect and as it should be. I lie in bed and reflect on the times growing up that I always wanted to be an attorney. Gone are the days where I felt that the justice system was exactly that — JUST, and that it would always show favor on the well-meaning person, the honest person, the good person, the hardworking person and ultimately the deserving person. But this had never been the case in my situation. In all my interactions with the court system thus far, they seemed to turn a blind eye to the drug addict, the compulsive liar, the empty promise maker and the rule breaker. There seemed to be so little consequence, and such a tangled web to weed through in order to get any relief from my hands being tied to such crappy, short sighted, unfair puppet strings that govern my child’s life right now. I wish I could end this with a solution but perhaps the best I could hope is that the comfort this can bring to anyone who reads it is to know, you aren’t the only one with a Christmas Eve that looks like mine. Keep fighting for your babies, and making memories with the time we are given. And the reminder that always brings me solace is that it isn’t about how much time we have with our kids that will ultimately matter to them, but it will be the quality of that time that will influence how they view their childhood and your relationship with them in the years to come. Merry Christmas and a final countdown of T-13 hours until my holiday truly begins.
CRYSTAL DASH D 