Growing up I identified as being part of an extremely close, extremely large family. My mom is one of 7 children, all whom had been married, some several times, many having children and extended families of their own. My grandfather died young, in his 50’s leaving my grandmother to ultimately become the matriarch of our giant brood. A matriarch by its purest definition is a woman who rules or dominates a family or group…by today’s definition we might refer to her as the HBIC! But in either scenario, my grandmother wore this hat proudly, she wore it strongly, and she wore it for a long time. All the way up until 3 years ago, when she had been diagnosed with cancer, in an aggressive stage; that took her away from us much sooner than I think anyone expected.

July 13 2012 at Jersey Shore University Medical Center. Some of us waiting patiently for our Sitti (Grandma) to be out of surgery.

The grieving process is an interesting one. Everyone handles it in their own way, in their own time. Certain bonds of grief form, while other bonds that had previously existed start to dissipate over time. People become angry, they confuse anger at the situation as anger toward one another, eventually causing rifts and wedges that could take years to mend, if ever they do at all. Being in the middle of a large family, it becomes easy to distinguish the different roles people begin to play. Some play to their strengths by handling money and matters of the estate, others take on the emotional aspects of the situation. Some find solace in being as close to the situation as possible, while others run, as far as they can from having to deal with the loss and everything surrounding it. Sadly, as people start to find and identify with their roles, there becomes a great divide between the “doers”, the “feelers”, and the “runners.”  The doers feel like they did everything, naturally. They took control, made everything right and moved the situation from an open ended matter to a closed one. The feelers of course assume they were the ones closest to the situation, the most affected, the ones that loved most, and lost most. The runners, well, no one really knows what their doing, but one thing we know for a fact is, they’ll never admit to running away – many won’t even realize that’s what their doing. And in the end, when all is said and done, the kingdom is stretched and strained. A family, a group, a community that was once too close to see distance between them, now stands with miles between them and remnants of scar tissue and hurt muddying up the middle.

A sad disservice to the matriarch I would say. The one woman who was such a pillar of strength for so many, and who dedicated her life to keeping everyone close and in harmony with one another. But when her presence was no longer felt, it became like an avalanche in my family with everything that was hinging upon one another tumbling down in a sea of blame and resentment.  Like a volcano of issues that had been brewing for some time, finally bubbling over with nothing and no one to pacify them.

And now, a few years later, the dust has settled, and you look around and realize that the runners never came back, the doers never stopped patting themselves on the back for a job well done, and the feelers never stopped feeling that they were the only ones coping with such a huge loss.
And so the disconnect grows larger, and now without the matriarch to keep the family unit as one, the kingdom remains broken. A kingdom without a leader is one that’s doomed for failure. What was once a community united under the guidance of one woman, is now sort of running a muck with nothing and no one to bring it back to its roots.  I suppose the only chance a family can have is to rebuild from the ground up. It’ll never be what it once was, because the foundation of what once was has crumbled into pieces and the creator of that foundation isn’t there to re-create it all over again. New Years are chances for new beginnings and fresh starts; to leave the past in the past and build anew.  For my family, and for many others families having gone through something similar, there is hope for peace and a fresh start just around the corner. My wish for my own family and for all those reading this: May your kingdom rebuild itself and prosper in the New Year and may you find new life and new purpose to begin again.

Cheers to 2016!